Spending the holidays alone as I get older seems a little tougher to handle they when I was younger. I know each person who spends the holidays alone deal with it differently. I can only speak about me, and how I feel. With the holidays approaching, I always get the feeling I want to hibernate until the holidays are over. I believe the reason is because I do have a friend that has opened me up to see and do more. Before I met them, I was one and to stay to myself. You would have to be someone that I truly trusted for you to be considered a friend. Also the holidays brings sadness because my mother is not alive. I think of her often during this season. Not that I have memories of holidays growing up, just the fact as I become an adult, the time that was spent just talking and spending time with her. She was my best friend, and confidant. Looking at where I am now, it has a effect that doesn't seem to ease. Thinking about the joy of families getting together for a feast has become a distant memory. I guess this is all of part of living alone, the trials and test that it brings. I am not looking for self pity, or oh feel sorry for me. I want this blog to make one appreciate those they celebrate with during the holiday season. Waking up everyday, I am thankful, I celebrate that daily. It just gets to me, knowing another year alone. I have decided to create my own happiness during the holiday season. It is a time to be grateful and thankful. In years past I have actually cried as the holidays approach and throughout the season. It takes something within to get through. When you see the joy of others, it makes me want to share a piece of joy with someone. Last year my friend came over and we gave thanks together. It was uplifting, we are planning to do it again this year. No guarantees yet, but it seems possible. Without or without, I still need to create my own joy and not let the holidays get to me. Because I was so close to my mother is the biggest effect the holidays has on me. Losing her will never be easier. Not having her her, or to be able to call her will always be a challenge to handle. As she would tell me if she was here, is to be strong, keep moving forward, let nothing stop you from gaining that which you want to obtain. So this year I am working towards not feeling down, but happy. The joy must come from within, it is something noone else can give you.
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